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Sunday, 23 September 2018

Always..........


Yes there are dark days-days  when I barely exist. 
Drowning in my sadness with a hollow aching for your arms, your smile and your love
How I get through them...... I'm not entirely sure....
I miss your smile , your laughter and your humor.
I miss your hand squeezing mine three times. your arms enfolding me with love and hearing you approaching, even in a crowd, by the jangling of keys intermingling with the change in your pocket.
I miss you speaking so loudly on your mobile phone that people would tut and I would say'You dont need a phone! Two cans and a piece of string would be better! ' and you would smile.: oh that smile.....
I miss hearing you shout at the TV when someone takes the minus offer on The Chase
' Fucking Hell! The Bastard!! ' - so loud it made me jump!
I miss your social bravery - no place or person  intimidated you... You were at home whether drinking cocktails in the Ritz '' How much for Baileys?! " or in some dingy, dark pub full of rogues and party animals" We cant go now, it would be rude! "

Now I am hesitant at the looks and sympathy the words" I'm a widow" elicite from people... even five years later I can't let you go.. Your shiny red and gold urn sits on my bedroom window sill, I often caress it as I pass or talk out loud to you in good times and bad. 
I still say you have passed away (the D word has passed my lips on occassions and it jolts me when I hear it  from my own mouth)
Life does go on and I go on with it,:but there are days the lonileness engulfs me and I miss you dearly. I watch Kelly and Warren and I miss you madly:the looks, the touch, the laughter and the tears. Memories surface in the most unexpected ways.... A CD suddenly begins the familar refrain of 'The Answer to Everthing'  or a singer might sing 'Runaway' in the middle of a party, someone mentions the cinema within thier own memories or 'bunking' off school. 
You are there, you are here. You were my past, you are my future and you will, always be my now. 
Forget you? Never. Remember you, Always. 


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