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Thursday, 3 May 2018

Inside my head.....


So, I thought I would take you inside my head- Mwhahaha! Its pretty mixed up at times but it explains a lot ! So pull up a chair and get yourself a cuppa- Hell! Lie in bed with a bottle of wine at your side - its gonna be a helluva ride!

For as long as I remember I have had bouts of Depression - only recognising said depression after I had come out of it (calling it 'the clear' because of the relief I felt when I remerged) mixed with Social Anxiety - I still have to be in a good place to ask directions (hence latest dog sitting session ended up with a nearly 2 hour walk as my phone battery had died ..Ziggy slept well that night!)
I also remember an incident many years ago when a fellow Projectionist had invited Fab Hubby and I to a Film Festival pre-buffet. I was  okay till we entered - the foyer was suitably decorated and tables placed out as well as an abundance of food. We had barely been introduced when I had a crushing, overwhelming feeling I needed to get out, we didn't belong, we were intruding- it was horrific .Fab Hubby tried his best to calm me but I just wanted out of there- it was just wrong! Some may say ' Oh you were just feeling out of place'' but it was so much more than this , it was suffocating! We got outside and Fab Hubby tried to reason with me but I couldn't do it.
I never know when to expect either of these conditions as there are no symptoms/signs so they come as a surprise to me!
Several years ago I went through a phase of fainting at one time - memorably at Cadbury World - Fab Daughter was miffed I didn't take their offer up of a free chocolate goody bag! My stress levels can go through the roof at times (a look at my CV is evidence- I have a varied list of jobs since relocating to Wales but my CV as a whole isn't consistent )
My contribution to this post  (5th) partially explains the life experiences that have contributed to my mental health.

I recently bought this book -being in possession (as in owning - not of the Black Arts I hasten to add!) of a ,sometimes, morbid sense of humour, it was the Waking Up Dead Syndome  that appealed to me .....However, as I began to read Becoming Unreal I found myself crying.....

Depersonalisation Disorder is the experience of feeling unreal, detached, and often, unable to feel emotion. It is a phenomenon characterised by a disruption in self-awareness and emotional numbness, where many people feel that they are disconnected or estranged form one’s self. Many people experience depersonalisation during a panic attack and this is often characterised as the peak level of anxiety. It is one way that the mind copes during periods of high levels of stress. For some people the condition can feel as though the world around them is like a movie that they are watching rather than specifically being a part of it. Anxiety UK

I cannot explain how heart wrenching this section of the book was for me..Every word about not feeling part of Life, living in a movie resonated with me- it was such a relief . I remember saying to my Counsellor. Ann, ''Everything seems unreal, I feel as though I'm the only one who knows what's real'' but I couldn't explain it further - I couldn't find the words, so I quickly changed the subject and it was never broached again; though the feeling remained.My episodes are not regular and they have not been diagnosed but they are present within me


Here's another strange thing....

 On occasions I hear voices - no, they don't tell me to kill people and I don't recognise the voices
I also see faces and scenes if I close my eyes - again, nothing scary or recognisable!
I have mentioned this recently to Fab Daughter ( cue: bemused look and the aforementioned questions!) ....So,  I googled  (I know but I do!)

The Mental Health Organisation says:

It is estimated that between 5% and 28% of the general population hears voices that other people do not. Hearing voices is an auditory hallucination that may or may not be associated with a mental health problem. It is the most common type of hallucination in people with psychotic disorders such as schizophrenia.However, a large number of otherwise healthy individuals have also reported hearing voices.

In Yahoo Answers I found this explanation:

If you close your eyes, what you're seeing is your brain at work. When you close your eyes at night when go to bed, your brain doesn't instantly shut down. It keeps going for a while, with both your conscious initially active and your subconscious becoming more active. Moreover, there is a very strong human tendency to see faces or look for faces in everything we see, and this would include what we imagine. Sometimes, if I am in the right relaxed mode, I can close my eyes in bed and as my subconscious becomes more active I can mentally "see" images, sometimes startlingly clear, appear and morph into other images. I am not consciously directing it, but it's my subconscious at work. It doesn't happen a lot, but it's quite interesting when it does. 
The brain is an amazing organ, and I don't see any reason to think anything paranormal is going on.   John     




So there you go .....in this instance -I'm normal, whatever 'normal' is.....and the other stuff?
The Depression, Social Anxiety and ,even, the Depersonalisation Syndrome?.....That's part of me but its not all of me and I'm not alone........literally, some days!









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