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Monday, 12 March 2018

How a Good Screw(Driver) made me feel better....



So, for a while now The Black Dog has engulfed me - I can say this now as I feel I am emerging from its fog- its not a quick process by any means ......
The Black Dog has been with me intermittently throughout my life- he's had some dreadful episodes making me ant-social, physically ill, anxious  and erratic. Usually I am only wise after an event or, as now, when coming out of it .I can sometimes recognise it if I think about Death a lot- not suicide just my natural (??) demise, but most of the time I am unaware. Confused? You should be in my brain!

I have taken medication- Prozac just gave me a constant headache and Valium got flushed away by Fab Hubby before I had the second dose(I was practically comatose ) Seratin helped but is supposed to be a temporary solution that went on for a couple of years till I decided to wean myself off.
I have been to Therapists both NHS and Private -its a minefield as I feel you need to find the person that suits you, your mind (my mind is changeable at best) plus I find it difficult to express myself when I'm in a black hole. I found a lovely woman in Talbot Green after Fab Hubby's passing ( it wasn't all about grief I should add) she was absolutely lovely and we hugged on many an occasion and she helped me feel normal - because that's all I wanted at the time , to feel as though how I felt was justified, didn't have a sell by date and was....well normal.
My Fab Daughter bore the brunt of my depression both in childhood and adulthood - we now talk honestly and openly to each other, although I can still mess up on occasions - luckily she will hold me to account ....because I need it, I need to take responsibility for this demon inside me .He's not as strong as he used  to be but he can still screw things up .......
So we come to the crux of the matter- Screwing.....there's been a lot of it this morning. Its a good sign - it means I'm emerging, feeling better. You  see the past week has been the climax ( sorry, couldn't resist! good sign though!) of The Black Dog - I quit my job (again! I know!)  I spent most of the week in pyjamas and I've ate rubbish (vegan rubbish mind you!) and stayed up till the early hours on this damn laptop or watching TV ...and alcohol...lots of alcohol.
Then, at midday, I suddenly said out loud ''Come on you silly cow, lets do this!'' So, I got washed and dressed and began the big tidy up (didn't take long but there you go - its been waiting since Wednesday) Then I had a brainwave....
Fab Grandkids had visited on Friday and George had picked up the drone I got him last year and said sadly ''Oh it needs batteries to charge'' So, the next thing I know ,there I am, batteries at the ready and a very small Pozidrive screwed back staring at me  ....next came the kitchen cupboard door - its been off its hinges for weeks plus its rusted and I cant find the screws- till I found a box of them in the bathroom cupboard- also Pozidrive !!

                                           Diving , once more into the cupboard I found it:

                                        Then I set to work.....Look George.....its charging!!!!
                                             And ,best of all,though its not perfect but.....
And that, my dear friends, is how a good Screw(Driver) made me feel better! I feel pozitive (can't help it- too easy!), I feel normal and best of all ....I feel Me!
Now , I'm not saying the Black Dog won't return I'm just saying that ,like that kitchen cupboard door, I'm apt to be unhinged at times but ,for now, I'm hanging on!

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