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Friday, 29 August 2014

Crying Time



I cry . This crying can be from anything like a joke, an advert or a book .
Prime example : A conversation at work prompted someone to recall an anecdote to do with Chinese Whispers, here is a summary courtesy of Google :

One of the more famous Chinese Whispers happened during the First World War. The original message from the trenches to British HQ was ''Send reinforcements, we're going to advance''
In transit, it became ''Send three and fourpence, we're going to a dance.''

It's not earth shattering by any means but I promptly burst into tears , You see, all I thought about at the time was how frightening that must have been to be waiting for back up that never came!Yes, people did wonder what the hell I was crying for ( I could see it on their faces) and I didn't help by saying ''It's the first world war , it always upsets me '' (I wasnt born till 1959)

Books are another source - For the Love of Lesley by Ann West ( the mother of Lesley Ann Downey who was murdered by Myra Hindley and Ian Brady ) especially the part where she sees Lesley in the Mortuary

Films - Sommersby with Richard Gere and Jodie Foster , the final scene when he can't find her in the crowd( that had me sobbing in a shop doorway afterwards)

Music - Love is All by Deanna Durbin ( that's a Mom thing )

Art- first time I saw an exhibition of all Douglas Hoffmans work ( how can someone paint that life-like ?)

Adverts - Giving is the Best Communication- Thai Mobile Advert

I am never aware I'm going to cry , it just happens and I'm learning to embrace it rather than be embarrassed about it - it shows I feel.I care , I love and I'm here......

Here in this crazy existence called life ....and I'm part of it - not wallowing in my own misery, not waiting for something to happen, not expecting the impossible but ....Living




UPDATE

It has been nearly 3 years since My Beautiful Man passed away , blogging was never in my thoughts – perhaps it would have aided me in some way – but I think not ,as the blackness that descended seemed to huddle me in grief.

We all moved to Llantrisant,Wales,  days were filled with aimless wanderings around the house we all shared , I must have driven Kelly mad , but she stood me well – twice I left ,twice I returned relieved for the noise and chatter of my grandchildren I attend counselling for a while ( funded by myself ) and I read a fabulous book called Widow to Widow by Genevieve Davis Ginsburgh M.S  – she agreed with my lovely Counsellor Ann Peacock – there is no time limit on grief , you will always grieve – and that’s ok I cannot tell you what a relief that was to hear and read. The stages – yes you may get them , not necessarily in the neat little order people tell you and not necessarily all of them ,to quote Genevieve ” How long does it take? is a silly question,because widowhood is not a disease,sickness or mental illness It is a fact of life and there is no recovering.You learn to live with it ,cope with it and survive it.You will get pretty good at it as time goes by. The tears will abate, the anger soften and the future will be brighter than today.But you will not be cured, not even if you remarry”

My father also passed away (last year) after Dementia and Parkinson's Disease ravaged his mind and body - Bette Davis was right '' Old age ain't no place for sissies!!'' My sister was his Carer and for a while I was hers as much as I could be from Wales ( she still lives in Birmingham) There appears to be a new horizon unfolding for us all - new beginnings ,again , can't say too much at this early stage but it's looking good - I think Jonathan, my Mom and now Dad are taking care of us in their own way - and it feels good xxxxxx

7 May 2013 at 17:26

Today I stumbled upon two pieces I had written shortly after my Darling had left us and I thought I would log them here because I didn't want to lose them in transit .......

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I miss you so very much , I just want you back
But back as I remember ; not the invalid you were
I know this is unkind and cruel but you not being here is unkind and cruel
I miss being held and wrapping my body around yours
I miss kissing you till we were both breathless
I miss the useless sex we use to have that we both knew but wallowed in
I miss squeezing your hand and having mine squeezed (three times for 'I love you' )
I miss hugging you - without being told I hurt you
I miss you............

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Once a day ,Every day
Say to yourself
''Its ok to be ok''
Not cured,
Not over,
Not stopped -
But just ''ok''
And when you do
Never ; Ever ;
Forget
He Loved You
Every Day

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                                                                                                                                                                                                 7 May 2013 at 22:11

Today I had an appointment with my hairdresser,Ben at Umberto Gianna in Selfridges ( a lovely David Bowie lookalike ) but when I got there he had called in sick (they had my old mobile and land-line number and couldn't contact me )
I said I didn't mind who I got or how long it took but they assigned me Mindy within half hour of arriving
I explained I wanted a strengthening treatment as I had dyed it so many times ,mainly Pink in last year and it needed some TLC. We got chatting and she was surprised when I said my OH loved the pink and encouraged it - she asked me what he would think of me having it cut short and I said he would love it no matter what , which he would .I told her he has always wanted to dye his beard but hadn't got round to it .

And as I said these things I was thinking ......

He's Dead
He's not here
I am a Widow
I want to tell you but I can't  stand the look . the murmur, the words
I want him to be here

I want him to tell me its ok
I want to hold him
I want him to say ''I do!'' when I say he doesn't love me and get mad with me

I want him here
Now !!!!!!!!!

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